Click on picture for the full version

Click on the picture for the full size version

According to this weeks paper Celtic supporters are getting their own back and also letting off fireworks and leaving wooden crucifixes on peoples doorsteps.

Why does nobody ever leave comments?

Why does nobody leave any comments on my blog? I know people have been here. You keep on leaving cigarette butts on the floor. And the chewing gum you leave behind that I have to clear up. So I know people have been here. I'm going to give it a week and if nobody has left a comment then I'm going to start singing Sex Pistols songs in a opera stylee voice. You have been warned.

The Tories have joined the election

http://fatandbald.blogspot.com/2005/05/my-own-poster.html

Only the SNP and Labour before but the Tories have gone their poster on the lamppost as well now. There are not really that many posters about. But when I cycled through my old village there are hundreds of them. Even annoying people going about with loudspeakers on top of their cars. It was the first one I heard of the whole election campaign. That's all you used the hear years ago. Ah - the good olde days.

I have to pay to receive my e-mails now on my phone

I was getting them free but it looks as though I'm now being charged. I think the alerts are still free. Oh well, I'll have to disable the e-mails. I can read them when I get home anyway. The only time they really matter is at an away game it's nice to read the results come in.

Why do we have to grow up

Just been looking at a picture of my wee sister
http://fatandbald.blogspot.com/2005/05/my-old-house.html

and I can't help but thinking - why do we have to grow older. Wouldn't it be great to stay at that age all the time. OK the bad points are we trust everyone and have no fears about anything and there are no dangers in our life (at least we think there are none). So why do we have to grow up into people that hurt, that cheat, that deceive. Some of us are bastards. Some aren't. There are some good people in the world. But at the young age we have no opinions. We can't argue. OK - we can whine. But we can't hurt people's feelings just because we don't share the same point of view.

This minature rant of mine isn't based on anything that has recently happened. It is based on something that happened about 35 years ago. I started to grow up. Maybe by the time I'm 80 I might just become an adult.....but I'll have to beat the deathclock first as it doesn't think I'll make it that long.

Top 20 songs of all time (nah)

I've saw a thread about this on SAUK but I can never do this type of thing.

In no particular order - because it changes all the time :
Love reign o'er me The Who
5:15 The Who
Strange glue Catatonia
Whiter shade of pale Procul Harum
Hey Joe Jimi Hendrix
Stairway to heaven Led Zeppelin
Freebird Lynyrd Skynyrd
Tuesday's gone Lynyrd Skynyrd
Simple Man Lynyrd Skynyrd
Sweet home Alabama Lynyrd Skynyrd
Thank you Dido
Green onions Booker T and the MG's
see what I mean - my mind's gone completely blank
Sultans of swing Dire Straits
Comfortably Numb Pink Floyd

An aerial view of the same meal. Again - clcik for the full picture. Lucky I cropped my feet out the picture.

My rabbit food meal

Click on the picture to see it full size. If your using Internet Explorer you may even want to hit the F11 key to see it in all it's glory.

This looks disgusting on this computer monitor but it looked tasty on my computer at work. Still, this is what I am just about to eat. I took a picture at 3am(ish) and then bunged it in the fridge as it was too late to start eating then.
So why did I have it on my computer at work. Well, to transfer the picture from my camera to this computer requires the camera to be switched on and a cable attached from it to the USB hub. When I disconnect it sometimes it freezes the computer. I couldn't be arsed doing it this morning so I took the smart media card and a card reader to work and transferred it to that computer and then to a floppy disc. I then brought the floppy home with me. It meant I could look at what I was coming home to all day as I only had six sandwiches to keep me going all day. It's now 10:25pm so I think it's time I ate the bloody meal.
And the funny thing is I will have an identical meal to look forward tommorow night as I made two of the same meal.

Time to start worrying

I've been wondering lately if I'm going a bit mad. Well, it's nearly 3am and I'm stood on a set of steps in the kitchen taking aerial photos of the meal I intend having the following night. Scary.

The moth commited suicide

The moth that scared the shit out of me (a previous post) has just commited suicide. Even though it's nearly 2am I still haven't been fed yet. So how am I obese according to my BMI......maybe it's the full packet of biscuits you've munched your way through this evening. So I just put on the remains of the packet of diced carrots and swede on the cooker and turned my back and when I looked at the pot again I see the moth in there.
I think it'll be too late to actually eat this, this evening (ehm, morning). I'll also be having "sweet and crunchy salad" - a mixture of iceberg lettuce, red cabbage and carrot. Another mix I have is a tin of spam chopped up into tiny cubes, rice and a tin of corn all mixed together with some salad cream. I don't eat all of this - part of it I already ate at lunchtime - mixed in with parsley sauce (instead of the salad cream). Six slices of cucumber and tomatoes.
So if it's too late to eat all that healthy food what will I be having at this late hour :

How dense am I? I spent the time scanning this instead of eating it. What I should have done was empty the sachet into the bowl, flatten the packet and then scan it......while it was being cooked. No brains whatsoever. This cost the massive price of 69p - the observant amongst you will have noticed I bought two of these on 1st May. The salad mix (sweet and crunchy) was 99p on that receipt for a twin pack. The Spam cost £1.39. The packet of digestives I munched my way through earlier this evening cost 39p. The Swede and carrot was bought on 22nd April and cost 49p.
I did take a picture of this same meal earlier and posted it here :
http://fatandbald.blogspot.com/2005/04/well-heres-duplicate-of-meal-ive-just.html
I think I'll take another picture this time using my digital camera rather than my mobile phone camera.

I'm obese

While visitng the death clock I had to calculate my BMI (Body Mass Index). I'm 6'1" tall and weigh 16½ stone. Maybe less - I'm not sure about my dodgy scales. This gives me a BMI of 30 - which comes under the category of obese. The annoying thing is if I was 6'11" (it doesn't go any taller) then my BMI would be considered "Desirable" as it was only 23. But I don't think I'd desire to be that tall.


Just fucking shit myself there - a tiny moth started flying in front of the computer monitor. Jesus - that's knocked a few years off my death clock in one go.

The yellow hedge

I mention below about playing tennis against a wall - on top of the wall was a hedge. Well, here's the famous yellow hedge.

To the left of little sis's head (I'm aware I haven't mentioned her name) you can just make out the goalposts of the football pitch mentioned in the previous post. You can also see the top of the "baby swings" as well as the chute - but you don't know what you're looking for so it was pointless me telling you. I don't even know who "you" are. Grass looks as though it could do with being cut.
My middle brother used to cut the hedge for my mother. He's always do it when she went on holiday and she never knew why. Well, he used to use the hover mower turned on it's side to cut the hedge. Not a very wise thing to do - hence the reason for waiting for the parents to go on holiday before doing it. When you get to a certain age you don't want to be seen with your parents so you avoid going on holiday with them. That way you can get plastered for two weeks without them knowing.
My mother went through a crazy stage with that hedge. It grew much larger and she cut bits out of it so it looked like castle turrets.
While going through all the pics - all the best ones seem to be of my little sister when she was about this age.

My old house

Following on from my post about playing tennis in front of my house - well, here's a picture of my wee sis in front of the house.


If you can see a reddish like strip behind her - that's where we used to play football. We played that much the grass disappeared and stones started coming through to the surface. Never was sure where the boundaries of that picth were. You could end up chasing a ball through the swings and it still wasn't out for a throw in. She's on the "baby swings" as we called them - although that didn't stop us from using them as well. It won't be visible in the picture as you won't know what you are actually looking for - but there is actually a path you can take from our house down to the swing park. It is behind the yellow post. The area behind her head is full of brambles and nettles. In summer/autumn we had to collect them for my mum to make jam. Unfortunately the ball sometimes ended up in this area.

Digital cameras
Just looking through all these old photos I just wish digital cameras had beed available back then. Photographs were rare because they were expensive. But with a digital camera you can take photos of anything. I'd love to be able to go around the whole of this swing park and be able to point out bits and describe them. For instance - futher to the left I'm sure there was a wee stream that used to come down into this area. A really small stream I mean. I think someone once told me that before the football pitch was there this used to be a basin like area - filled with water from this stream. They might just have been lying though. Need to ask the parents this one.

Why did I have to hold that flowery thing?

I've just been thinking about the picture below.
http://fatandbald.blogspot.com/2005/05/slightly-gay-looking-me.html
or at that link.
It was my favourite picture of me until I saw the flowery thing and though it made me look gay. I wish I was good at Photoshop and I could maybe alter it into something more masculine looking. It looks like I'm wearing some kind of school top. Reminds me of mate from school. We were playing tennis on a REALLY hot day. I was wearing a tee-shirt and shorts. He was wearing his school jumper and long trousers. After complaining about the heat I told him to take his jumper off. He did. There was an identical grey jumper on underneath.
He used to wear wellington boots all the time. I mean ALL the time. he was probably wearing them while playing tennis.

Why I was crap at tennis
I was crap at tennis. I blame it on the wall outside our front garden.
I'll draw a diagram later to explain the layout of the area in front of my house. But, in short - we had a wall which was about tennis net height with a hedge above it. So I used to hit the ball against this wall. Unfortunately that meant I was always hitting the ball at the height of a tennis neight - never above it as it would go into the hedge.

Holy shit - the computer just flickered. Count for a few seconds just in case it was lightning...........phew. It wasn't.

My football team weren't thinking

My football team decided rather than play their final league game of the season on a Saturday they got the fixtures secretary to schedule them a game as quickly as possible. The reason being that they could then stop paying their players expenses for coming to training until the pre-ssason training begins in July. Unfortunately, they must have forgotten, or not realised that all the cup winners and league winners in the West Region go into an end of season competition. This competition can't begin until all the winners are known. And that won't be until the start of June. So they'll be twiddling their thumbs for the next month.

Thunder and lightning (again)
I've mentioned my fear of thunder and lightning before on this blog. It's now getting to that time of year again. It had that kind of feeling today. I was sat in my living room watching the view out my bedroom window on the CCTV camera. There seemed to be rain falling - but when I looked out the living room window.......nothing. Then the ground started to look wet. The view through the camera isn't perfect - the colour goes weird at times. So I wasn't 100% sure the ground was getting wet. The cars going by didn't have their wipers going. It was raining. So what's this got to do with thunder and lightning. Well, when it's this kind of day and the lights suddenly dim or there is some crackling on TV I then start counting the seconds anticipating thunder. I was told that for every second between the lightning and the thunder represented 1 mile away. I did my own calculations based on the speed of sound I think and came out with the theory that for every 5 seconds it was one mile. Is that right (talking to myself) - does that mean for every second is 1/5th of a mile? I think I'll go back to my old way of thinking. And if that is incorrect I don't want it correcting by anyone reading this blog.

Trying to be young again

As my 40th birthday fast approaches I'm trying to be young again. I haven't wore jeans since I was about 16 but I've recently ordered 3 pairs. One half decent pair and a two pair set for £18 (probably last a couple of weeks). The half decent pair are marked on the catalogue companies website as returned. I probably wasn't in when they tried to deliver. At least they've stopped leaving the parcel on the steps leading up to my flat.

Death Clock
The death clock says I'm going to die in 11 years time. I tried it earlier and it said 17 years but when I changed my mode to pessimistic it said 11 years.
http://www.deathclock.com/
(you'll need to right click on this and open in a new window/tab if you want to read the rest of my entertaining blog)

My toilet's broken

For the technically minded - it's the metal S thingy hook that goes from the cistern handle to the thingummyjig inside. It broke on Sunday (1st May). I wonder when I'll actually get round to doing something about it.

My own poster

This is a lamp-post near me.

I should add my own poster to the top of it.


I'd break me neck falling off the post though.

Championeeeeeeeeees

Well, we are Champions. A combination of us winning 3-1 and our rivals having a shock 1-2 defeat means not only are we promoted but we've won the league.

A slightly gay looking me

I wasn't sure about posting this to start with. Picture must be about 30 years old now. The tree behind me is now huge and has been joined by many other trees.

I think I look a bit gay - look at the stupid flowery thing I've got in my hand if you don't believe me. Is that gay or what? Maybe my lack of girlfriends is not due to be being an ugly social misfit but secretly I'm gay. I can see a slight problem with me being gay though. I just don't find blokes attractive. And while the prospect of receiving a blow job is something to look forward to - giving one is not something I want to do. Maybe I'm not gay after all.

My mother made me a homosexual.
If I gave her the wool, would she make me one too.

Looking down on the street

Now that I've got my A3 poster in the window (see the post a few below this one) I've placed a CCTV camera looking downwards to see people looking upwards at it. And possibly hearing them mutter "Christ, that blokes a feckin' nutter" as they walk by. I caught this cyclist going by on my tv earlier.

Some pics of me and ma wee sis

Wearing a (very) old fashioned motorcycle crash helmet.



Little sis trying to escape into the field behind our house



So that's why I was called "Chinky" at school - before the term was regarded as racist.

Don't vote - it only encourages them

I've created a poster for my bedroom window which overlooks a street. Across the road is a polling station, although the rest of the time it is used as a Primary School.




DON'T VOTE
It only
encourages
them

Comment I made on someone elses blog

HaloScan.com - Comments

A shopping receipt

That post I tried to post was gobbled up in hyperspace.

I bought a sieve for 99p. An exciting life I live. £30 cash back - yippee. They really give you money if you ask for it. Nice supermarket.



It was the lovely Rachel serving me again.

Looking back through mny blog

Just been looking back at the early days of my blog. Pretty much the same as today. Writing about the same things. I was moaning about spam back then. A year ago my football team were 6th in the league and had suffered 1-9 and 0-9 defeats.

I really am getting old - I can't understand what young people are talking about anymore. I read other people's blogs and it's as if they are talking a different language. Some of the times I have to go to their profiles to see if they really are talking in a different language. It must have started with these fucking text messages you get with mobile phones....something I will never own. Shortening words and all that crap.
This is what I wrote a year ago. I was thinking much the same about an hour ago. Although now I do own a mobile phone.

Dreaming

I has a dream that I was cycling home and just about got to my flat but there was a group of youths milling about nearby so I switched my lights on my bike off and moved slowly towards the flat. But the lights didn't go completely out and I had to put my hands over the lights. I was wearing black knitted gloves. Nothing strange in that - that's what I do wear in winter. When I got to the entrance to my flat there was a huge police van parked at the door. But it was parked on the pavement and about 6 inches from the door which meant I couldn't get into my flat.
What does it all mean?

Ooooooooooh - just noticed we're into a new month. At the end of this month I will be 40. And so will Brooke Shields for we were both born on the same day.

Leaving washing in the washing machine too long

I hate this. I'll do a washing and then forget all about it. When it comes out of the washing machine a couple of days later there is that funny smell to it. It isn't nasty but it ain't nice either. And you can't even bung the stuff back in again as the smell won't go away - you have to dry the stuff first and then wash it again. Most of the time I don't actually forget about it I'm just too lazy to take it out. Or more to the point - I say to myself - I'll get it later.

Keeping the blog anonymouse

Why is it I can write anything on my blog that people I don't know can read - and online forums where I have revealed some things about me that I would never reveal even to my family? I mean I would never tell anyone in the real world about this blog. I do get worried that someone may search on my e-mail address and find this blog. Even though the e-mail address doesn't give my name, put together with other things it actually does. In case anyone cares, theesel1994 relates to a semi-professional football team I support and the year of their greatest achievement in over a century of playing football. They have another important game on Monday night - a win and they win promotion out of this godforesaken league and if another team also playing that night fails to win then they are league champions.

FIREWORKS
Most amusing tonight seeing fireworks going off. A kind of "fuck you" to the police. Let me explain. Every time Celtic get beat there are fireworks let off in a street nearby in the town I live. It is quite a substantial amount of fireworks. It is more of an annoyance to those nearby than anything else. Until a couple of weeks ago that is. Celtic had been beaten by Hearts and the fireworks went off as usual an hour or so later. But later on that evening it was announce on TV the Pope had died. Within a couple of minutes there was a second firework display of the night. The following weeks local newspaper had the front page displaying outrage at this. It has been suggested that the police were set to trap those responsible had Rangers beat Celtic last Sunday but it wasn't to be. So tonight was a kind of "fuck you" to the police. Everyone in town knows who is responsible but it's just a case of catching them in the act. The funny thing is it isn't kids - one of them is 45 years old.

Cow crossing a stream (again)

The cow was crossing the stream in the opposite direction this time. By the time I cycled by it was in the middle of the stream again but unfortunately the battery had died on my mobile phone so I couldn't take a picture.
Nobody ever phones me on my mobile. I never phone anybody. The only thing I use the thing for is to receive e-mails from a football mailing list and to take stupid pictures of cows crossing streams.
Anyway, 24 hours and all the cow has done is change direction and munch grass. I wish I was a cow.

Mobile phone batteires
How come the battery for my mobile phone lasts for a few days with constant use, is quite small and I can recharge it. Yet I need four large batteries for my digital camera, I hardly actually USE the camera and they only last a couple of hours.

Spam out of control
God I'm pissed off at every week having to delete around 2000 e-mails because they are just spam.

Missing blog

Thisaddressavailable

This is the blog I was having trouble finding. I forgot I could look through the history of sites I've visited in my browser.

How can you find a blog

I clicked on the "Next Blog" link at the top right of the page and found an interesting blog. I made a comment on that blog and intending creating a link to it. But when I came back here to try and find the blog again it was a different blog.
I think the person had Jootatstic or Joostastic in the place where I have "Fat and Bald" - I think her name may have been Julie.
Anyways - if Julie decided to see what loon was writing offensive comments on her blog and visited this blog - could you leave a comment to say where your original blog was as I only read a couple of posts and didn't get round to reading the rest.
I say the blog was written by someone called Julie - for all I know it could have been written by a 54 year old lorry driver from Cambuslang. Maybe Julie is a 54 year old lorry driver from Cambuslang....nah, I'm sure she said she was 25. She could be lying.

I wonder if that'll work......oly one way to find out. Hit the preview button fatty.

Just had a quick look through my blog - there's no way Julie would reveal the address of her blog to the lunatic that writes this one. Christ, how many people post pictures of their meals on a blog. Or ppost their shopping receipts. Just wait until I start scanning some of the photos that my mother gave me recently from my childhood.

Cows crossing a stream.
I was cycling home and saw this. One cow was in the middle of the stream but by the time I had stopped my bike, turned round and cycled back it was over the other side. You ought to have seen the dirty look it was giving me for taking the picture. (Or maybe I just imagined that bit). Anyway, the calves were shitebags and didn't venture across. Hey you stupid dumbfucks - what is that down the bottom of the picture. Yes, it's a bridge and guess what that is used for. Jesus cows are sooooooooo fecking dumb.

Why do I always forget what I'm going to write on my blog
Every day this seems to happen to me. I'll think of something interesting to write on my blog but by the time I get home it will be gone from my brain and instead I just end up writing drivel.

1 hour 22 minutes fast
There are times in the past where my bedside clock has been maybe 10 minutes fast. I will know it is 10 minutes fast and I will subtract the 10 minutes from the time on the clock. It's a kind of psychological thing. At the moment the clock is 1 hour 22 minutes fast. The power in my flat went off and I can't be arsed changing the time on the clock. Funny thing when the power goes off as when the power returns a second or so later my phone starts speaking to me saying it is resetting something or other, the printers start up again, the fax machine spews out a paper saying there has been a power interruption (at a time and date which has no relevance to the actual time).

Finally got the VAT return done
Took it down to the person I was doing the return for. He was in company of a few other people and he said to me jokingly "just tear it up". Usually he asks how much it is and regardless of what I say he will always ask "as much as that?" Funny thing is it was only about £4 more than the last time.....usually there a a few thousand pounds of a difference.

I don't think they charge me for e-mails on my mobile
I've been sending and receiving e-mails on my phone almost right from the start. I haven't been charged for any yet. I'm on "pay as you go". Someone said to me you get the first month free but I've had the phone for over a month now and I'm still getting them free. Having said that, knowing my luck by tomorrow they'll have started charging me for them.

I'm still hungry

So I've eaten the lovely meal pictured below but I'm still hungry. Many digestive biscuits have been munched but my stomach still cries out for more food. A bowl of cornflakes (at 1:30am for fecks sake) - not enough. Oh yeah, and another thing, that fecking VAT Return has still not been done yet. Think I'll go off for a shower soon. That should help me get to sleep. Not!!!

Crazy dreams
Another crazy dream - this time I was walking through the putting green in my old village. Their was a group of youngsters milling about at the tennis pavillion looking at me. I was having difficulty in walking, in fact, I was having to dig a stick into the ground and then drag myself towards the stick in order to move forwards. When I passed by this group a couple of them started throwing objects at me. Funny thing is that someone then described to me how many objects were thrown and on whcih part of my body they struck me.

Photos from my youth
I had my mother search for a photo of me as a kid today but she couldn't find it. She is going on holiday (later on this morning) so the last thing she wanted to hear was I was lookng for a particular photo. She gave me a bundle of photos to go through and see if it was amongst them - it wasn't. Also not there is a photo of me when I took my meal into the middle of the field behind our house - I was in the huff with my parents. Our house - I haven't lived there for 16 years now. I thnk I'll scan some of the photos and post them here. Strange seeing some buildings that have since been knocked down. Also strange is a photo taken down the beach in my old village. There are quite a few people playing there or in swimming. I'll always remember that - there used to be tons of people down the beach in summer. Now, there isn't anyone. Maybe just the odd person out for a walk. But before whole families would spend the whole afternoon there. Thgere would be people in the water with their inner tubes from truck tyres. God - they were great things.

Well, here's a duplicate of the meal I've just had. Colour's a bit fucked up but this is what I've got to look forward to tomorrow. At least I'll have it at a sensible time as I won't be putting off making it.

In pain

I' m in a lot of pain. My neck is in absolute agony. When I have to look behind me I have to turn my whole body round. I near had a crash while out on my bike earlier as I couldn't turn right round and I kind of lost my balance.

Healthy eating
I just had the biggest salad meal in my life. It's meant to be healthy but the amount I stuffed down my throat can't be that healthy. What also can't be healthy is having your main meal of the day at midnight. Which reminds me - I've a VAT return to get finished before tomorrow morning. Christ - why do I leave these things so late. It's now 1:30am and I've been sat at this computer instead of sat at the other one getting the VAT return done.


Well I've now discovered how to use a photo here that I have hosted elsewhere - but I can only do it with small photos. Still, it is a lot easier than using that annoying program I have to use for uploading photies.

Haven't got round to eating this yet.

Parents can be cruel at times.......
According to the date on the back of this picture I must have been 6 at the time. It was dated November 1971 so I can only assume it was a Halloween picture - I don't think I dressed like that all the time. I'm the one on the right. I have no idea what that thing is on my head. Maybe this is where my fascination I have for putting things on my head came from. My mother says she has a picture of me with about 8 different hats on my head one on top of the other sleeping in bed. The other two in the picture are my cousins.
I posted this elsewhere and the comment was made about my cousin in the middle looking like he was in the Ku Klus Klan - well, I actually think he is meant to be a ghost.

Four days later and this time the lovely Rachel served me.

My shopping receipt. The Safeway store has finally become Morrisons.

Seeing how the rubbish grows outside my flat. Unfortunately one extra thing arrived as I was getting my camera. We shall see if other neighbours decide to get rid of their crap.

PostSecret

PostSecret

A site for posting secrets.
I like the one where the person swapped parking tickets.

SA-UK :: The Lounge :: My shopping receipt

SA-UK :: The Lounge :: My shopping receipt

A post I made on the SA-UK website but I probably should have made here instead. I could copy and paste the thing here but I'd have to re-upload the picture here using another program. I wish they'd invent another way of doing it.

Companies House

Well, Companies House has reduced its prices for finding out about Ltd companies. It used to be £5 for a copy of a companies balance sheet and noiw it's only £1. So I've been seeing just how much a few local businesses are actually worth. Unfortunately, some of them appear to be calling themselves Blah Blah Ltd when they are Ltd at all.Wonder if that's legal. I think I'll try and find out.

I think I've got the flu coming on

I feel lousy just now. Coffee tastes weird. I can't smell anything. My body feels generally week. I think I've got the flu coming on. Man flu. Real bad. I'll force myself to go to work tomorrow and I'll have to go to the football on Saturday - after that I'll just rest in bed.

I haven't taken any pictures on my mobile in ages now. I'll take my proper camera tomorrow as well as it shouldn't be dark by the time I come home. Princess Ann was in town on Wednesday. Luckily I missed her. I'm scared she might have known I had a dream about her - possibly about 15 years ago. I can't get the dream out my head. She ordered me to have sex with her or I'd have my head chopped off. Actually, she is the only member of the royal family I like. I've dreamt about Dot Cotton out of Eastenders. I had a brilliant dream about Gabriella Sabatini the Argentinian tennis player - then some bastard ouside in the street woke me up from my dream by his drunken shouting. What a complete and utter bastard. I was tempted to go outside and tell him I was just about to shag Gabby when he interupted.

Methinks my IPS has made a mistake

I've had a regrade of the broadband service I use. I was previously on 576,000bps and was told the new service would be twice this speed but for the same monthly fee. Well, I'm now on 2,272,000bps and according to the e-mail I got from them I'll still be paying the same price. I won't tell them if you don't.

I don't really notice much of a difference when surfing the web but my e-mails download in a blast and my porn, ehm, I mean music files, download in a blast.

Still having trouble breathing. Coughing and spluttering like an old man that smokes 40 cigarettes a day. I really will need to face away from the monitor when coughing.

My gas bill has come in and they owe me £5.44...but the buggers will just carry it forward to the next account. What else exciting has happened to me today......................................nah - can't think of anything. I found the leaflet that came with my first computer.

Compaq Presario 433
Intel 486sx/33 Processor
4MB RAM
200MB Hard Disk Drive
Integrated SVGA 14" colour monitor

Software installed
MS-Dos 6
Microsoft Windows 3.1 (at least it never crashed on me once unlike "Fucking Windows 98" which crashes at least once a day)

Still got that computer. I think it cost £1100. The black and white printer I bought cost £320. Nowadays you can buy a scanner/photocopier/fax machine/colour printer for under £50.

Memories of Hampden Park

This dust in my throat has brought back memories of Scotland games at Hampden Park. We'd always make our way to "J Section"....more commonly known as "the Rangers end". It was covered, the "Celtic end" was uncovered. Even if our tickets were for the Celtic end we'd always make our way round to J Section by jumping the fences. Having looked at the size and type of fences back then I'd never be able to do it sober. They were quite tall with nasty spikes on top. But if you're drunk you don't really care about that. Long before all-seated stadium became a requirement in the UK the Rangers end was a covered terracing. And before it was concreted it was just dust on the ground. So if Scotland scored you'd have thousands of feet churning up this dust and you'd have to insert your scarf into your mouth to breathe through (or tie the scarf round your face). Going back on the train you'd blow your nose and all that would come out was this black mess. I miss those days. As disgusting as it sounds you couldnae beat it. A goal would be scored and you'd end up about 20 yards away from where you started minus a shoe. Even funnier was before the drinks ban in 1980 seeing them clear up all the bottles and cans from the terracing.

One of my funniest memories at Hampden was when Scotland played England. The England fans decided to fight the Scotland fans. Somehow my cousin had managed to find himself in the England section (at the Celtic end) for this match. During this riot he was photographed in the Saturday evening football paper (sadly no longer published) - there are hundreds of England fans going berserk and in the middle of it all is my cousin on his own who had fallen asleep while standing up leaning against a barrier. He was quite proud of that picture and put it up on his bedroom wall. His mother didn't share his pride.

No "life flashing before my eyes"

I thought I was going to die today - but I did not get the "life flashing before my eyes". Let me explain. I wrote before about my lack of sleep because I couldn't breathe. Well, I was cycling to work and got to the bugger of a hill on the outskirts of town. I was out of breath by this time and as I went up the hill I thought I was going to run out of breath. My heart got faster at the prospect and so I tried to breathe harder. I was on the verge of a full scale panic attack as I thought I was about to die. But no life flashing before my eyes. Probably sums up my life (he says depressingly) the fact there was nothing there.

Finding out shortcuts after all this time

Fat and Bald

I've had a computer of one type or another since 1984 (OK - I had an Amstrad PCW10 back then and that's not really a computer....but it did have a keyboard, monitor and printer). I've been using the internet since 1987 - and using Internet Explorer. Yet it is only in the last week I've found you can drag a link to the address bar and it'll open that page. What's the point in that I hear you ask? Well, this heap of a computer doesn't like opening new browser windows - it tends to crash when this happens. But I don't know if a link is going to try and open in a new window or in the same browser so dragging it means I no longer have to worry.

There was another shortcut I only just found out about but I can't remember what it is. I'll probably remember as soon as I press the "publish" button.

A sleepless night

I knew it was going to happen but I got no sleep last night. I'd decided to hoover underneath the desk where my computer is. Haven't done it in years due to the amount of cables in the way. Anyway - I had to get right under the desk and start brushing the dust away from the skirting board and from underneath the massive pile of cables that's built up over the years. I could hardly breathe at that point so I knew by the time I went to bed I'd have no chance whatsoever.......and I was right. Even getting up at 3:30am for a pie with salad cream didn't cure me. But it does give you an idea why this blog is called "Fat and Bald".

Faster broadband

Hopefully I'll be upgraded to a faster boradband soon. Currently my "two green monitors" icon next to the clock in the system tray show 576,000 bps - hopefully I will be going along at twice that speed for the same price. I can download more crap each month.

Rich-o-meter

Rich-o-meter

The UK version

Global Rich List

Global Rich List

So I'm well off after all according to this.

Clocks going forward

Well the clocks are going forward in about half an hours time.....or is it at midnight. I never can tell. Maybe the clocks in my flat will be back at the correct time as I can never be arsed changing them. No more cycling home in the dark. It's also a reminder of my life getting older and nothing being achieved. Christ - I'll be 40 in three months time yet still think I'm 18. Although, 18 year olds these days seem to have their brains removed.

Another picture - blue again. Taken five minutes later according to the filename. Meant to be of a ferry of people escaping. Think I'll need to take a proper camera. At least with the clock changing on Sunday it was be in darkness from now on.

This phallic like structure on the beach on my way home tonight. It was dark, I was using my mobile phoe - and I haven't a clue why it has turned out blue.

Nine naked men just walking down the street

An amusing link. There was a debate on naturism in the Basement of SA-UK many moons ago. It got a bit heated and someone posted this link to lighten the mood a little.

http://www.pureesoiree.be/Post/?P_ID=3869

This picture was removed from the SA-UK website because it contained nudity. It's a cartoon for fucks sake.

Hosepipe ban

They're talking about this already on the news. Hahaha. Reminds me of a recent incident in my flat.

At about 11pm I thought I'd go for a shower so I turned on the water but came back through to my living room. Fell asleep on the settee and woke up at 2am. Went straight to bed and forgot all about my shower running. I got up in the morning and went to the bathroom to be greeted by a wall of steam. The stupid part was when brushing my teeth - I turned the tap off to conserve water.
I started to strip the wallpaper off the wall probably about ten years ago. I gave up because of my back trouble and operation. Leaving the shower on all night certainly helped strip a lot more off the wall. Dread to think what my electricity bill is going to be like leaving a shower on for about 10 or 11 hours.

The blog next to mine

life

I just clicked on the "Next Blog" at the top right hand corner of my own blog and found this gobsmackingly gorgeous girl from the USA. Thank goodness there isn't a "Previous Blog" and she read about some fat and bald git perving over her.

My name is Longshot Kickdebucket and I am a compulsive hoarder. Just found a couple of these sachets in my kitchen. Best before December 1995. Still, they're well sealed so they should be OK to eat.

SA-UK :: The Lounge :: Fashion

SA-UK :: The Lounge :: Fashion

A post of mine about fashion....or rather lack of it.

Should I get this for the back of my bike and look a complete tit?

After the tidy up. 

Before the tidy up of my desk in the living room. 

This is the rubbish across the street from my flat looking out my bedroom window. I might take another photo of it tomorrow.....by which time it is usually grown in size as everyone round about decides to get rid of their rubbish the same way. 

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Back to the "bad old days"

Saturday's excursion to the football seemed like a return to my bad old days of about 15 years ago.

1½ pints before setting off

1 pint in the pub before the game

2 cans of lager from the off-sales (actually it was a garage) for the first half

1 pint in the pub at half time

the hailstones were bouncing off my bald head on the way back to the game

2 cans of lager from the off-sales for the second half

1 pint of lager on the way home

several pints of lager before going home - at which time I do not know.

The bad old days of about 15 years ago I'd probably have drunk about 15 pints before the game even started.

It didn't start off to well either. The person giving me a lift to the game couldn't get into my flat as some eedgit had locked the yale lock on the outside "close" door. He phoned me four times and left messages on my answer phone but I was in the shower - I got his call at the fifth attempt. Needless to say the lock has now been removed from the door by me......the final straw was when I got locked out of MY OWN FLAT by this eedgit. The lock was only meant to be used at lunchtimes to stop a group of about a dozen schoolgirls eating their lunches on the steps but it is being used all the time now. The postman wasn't able to deliver mail.

I've still got a hangover on Tuesday because of saturday's exploits.

Sent my wee sister a text message

I sent my first text message today on my mobile phone. She must have been surprised when it arrived as I've always maintained I'd never get a mobile. So what was her reply?

Wot made u get a mobile?

Why can't people talk in proper English on text messages. I know it takes a wee bit longer.

I don't think I could ever live without my mobile. Fuck off fatty - you've only had it a week now - don't talk pish. As I've only phoned on it a couple of times and sent e-mails to myself (easiest way to get pictures off my mobile) I can't see me ever relying on it.

It does come in handy for getting e-mails on a football mailing list I'm on. I get a text alert any time a new e-mail arrives and it goes and looks for e-mails to download every half hour anyway.

Nathan Barley

Is this funny or not?

Well, sometimes it's funny.....sometimes it just makes you cringe. A bit like "The Office" (if the Office was funny). I missed the first half of the show tonight so didn't know what the hell it was about and I was just about pissing myself laughing. Maybe that is the trick. Just watch the second half of the show......and then maybe watch the first half when it's repeated later.

Time to shave my head I think. And shave the moss off my face as well. I'm sick of having a Chris Moyles face when I smile.

I've found out the mysterious beeping noise I was hearing (see the post below) WAS coming from my phone. I found out while cycling home and heard the beeping noise coming from my pocket and couldn't blame anything else. Don't know why it's beeping. It doesn't tell me these things.

So what are you looking at here? Well, it's another of my obsessions. I'll peel the stick labels off of my 6 pint milk cartons and stick them on top of each other. Been doing it for years now. To the right of it there is a 50p coin standing on it's edge to let you see how tall the pile of labels has become. 45mm tall or 1¾ inches. Get a life fatso. What else is in the picture. Some jam. Some 35mm slides from 1979 and a slide viewer. Don't ask me why they are in my kitchen.....I might just tell you and you'd end up wanting to kill yourself. 

Inside the cramped office where I have to work. Now I've got my mobile phone I'm taking pictures of every piece of crap I can find. I took a picture of my bike and a metal boat across the road from my little office.

I keep on taking pictures of my face but every angle I take it from it looks fatter than when I look in a mirror. Maybe the camera doesn't lie and I do have a fat face. I must have the opposite to what anorexics suffer from. When I look in the mirror don't see a fat person but when I go on the scales they tell me I'm nearly 17 stone.

Something keeps on beeping and I'm fucked if I know where it's coming from. I thought it might be my phone - but it's in the kitchen now and the noise is from over this side of the room. There it goes again.

I ate all the pies
I ate all the pies
I'm a fat bastard
I'm a fat bastard
I ate all the pies

Mmmmmmm donuts.

No snow. No phone. No sweets

Not quite as catchy as No Black, No Dogs & No Irish but the snow still hasn't arrived, the mobile phone isn't here yet (but I've had an e-mail to say it's been dispatched) and I had a message on my answering machine saying they didn't have any of the Oddfellows sweets and they were awaiting my further instructions before they could do anything. It was really the Oddfellows I was after as well - the others I just ordered to make the order look respectable.

This is the corner of my living room - what a disaster area it is....and this is one of the more tidy areas. Three of the instruments I bought recently on Ebay. There is a school photo of me but fortunately it is covered up by something. I wasn't fat or bald then though. 

I've just added this picture to my signature line at the SA-UK website. Hahahahahahahaha folks are going to be disappointed if they follow the link to my blog and find the drivel I have written here.

Sudan 1

What the hell is all the fuss about? I am pretty sure I have many of the items on the recall list but I'm fucked if I can be arsed taking them back. I've been eating them all this time so I've probably got any cancer I was going to get from this Sudan 1. I think I'll just take my chances.

Bird crap on my window

I opened my curtains this morning to find a bird had crapped on the middle window.....the one I have bother opening. It's one of these sash type windows and the string thing is burst - so when the window opens the top window just falls down completely unless I jam it up with something. It's a fecking nightmare to clean from the inside - so I'm just going to pray it rains....really heavy and soon. God those windows are manky - haven't been cleaned in years. One of the windows is cracked through the middle of it - just waiting to fall out on top of some unsuspecting person below. It's been like that since I moved into this flat nearly 16 years ago.

Still no snow and no sign of snow. Bet it's just waiting for saturday to come - just in time to get the football postponed. Still no sign of my mobile phone either...or the sweets I bought from the online sweety shop. Did I not mention I've bought sweets I haven't bought in donkeys years from an online shop. Oddfellows, Victory V's & Fishermen's Friends. The money hasn't been taken out my credit card account for either of them yet.

Definitely an old man now.

I've actually used the shopping trolley I mentioned below a few times now so I'm an old man officially. It wasn't much use and I even considered buying a pram to use instead. That would look funny. Arriving at the supermarket and parking the pram outside while I go shopping. Why did I never learn to drive while I was still a spotty youth?

Where's the snow

Everywhere else is getting snow but yet again it doesn't want to snow here. Even if it does snow it will not be the same snow we used to get as kids. Snow that was about 18 inch deep and stayed for weeks - nowadays we get one inch of snow and it's melted a day later....or even less. And why hasn't my mobile phone arrived yet. Christ I'm in a shite mood tonight.

Mobile phones

I've finally given up on my refusal to join the modern world and have ordered a mobile phone. Pity I didn't have one yesterday. My mate was acting as a linesman at a football match I was at. Not a proper linesman - he can only raise his flag to indicate the ball has gone out of play - he can't even say which way the throw-in should go. But I knew he had his mobile phone in his pocket. He'd have received a few phone calls from me questioning his decisions - just to see the look on his face.

So I've gone for a Motorola V500 phone. I know it's probably already been upgraded a few times by now - but that's the one I've gone for. Hopefully it will be here by tomorrow then I can spend the next few days figuring how to switch the thing on.

I forgot I had a blog

I really should write in this thing more often. I'd forgot I had a blog until someone replied to post.

I had a strange dream the other night (morning) that I thought was real. It was about 8am and I dreamt outside my bedroom window that the pavement below was thick with snow. It wasn't the vision of the snow - it was the sound of people walking on the snow with heavy crunching sounds. This was what made it real. I woke up at that point and lay in my bed to see if I could hear it again. All I heard was cars going by and no sound of snow on the road. It is most annoying these types of dreams. Many a time I've got up to answer a knocking on the door only to realise it was only a dream. Or worse, when I was younger I'd dream I was doing a massive pee behind a bush outdoors and then discover in the morning the bed was soaking wet.

Hard to read blogs

Why are some blogs so fecking hard to read? What is the point of a blog if people give up on reading them because they are so difficult.....a bit of "pot calling kettle black" here as most people will give up on reading my blog as it's so boring. I wonder if it's policitically incorrect to use an expression like "pot calling the kettle black" these days?

Megaphone

I bought a megaphone on Ebay and am waiting for it to be delivered. Be good to be heard above everyone else at the football for a change.

I've also bought some more lights for my bike. The rechargeable type for the front and a seven led thingy for the back. As well as a four led thing for my helmet. The flashing lights are illegal despite being more visible to motorists. Hell, laws are there to be broken. Oooooh - ain't I the rebel? A rebel without a clue.

Is God a terrorist?

Must be the first time I've heard God been called a terrorist - tonight on Newsnight. Personally, I don't think there is a God (although something weird was buggering around with my telephone line tonight....and last night...maybe that was God). So why does this God allow so many innocent children to die as a result of the tsunami? The Priest on Newsnight was not very convincing and just stumbled to give answers. The Muslim wasn't much better.....when the doubter of God ended with "I'm only speaking the truth - there is no God" the Muslim replied with "Yeah - a very bleak truth, no ehm, I mean ehm......"

Coffee - I need coffee. What a time to run out of sugar - on New Years Eve when the shops are going to be shut on the Saturday and Sunday....and then close early because it's a Bank holiday on the Monday.

My wheelie bin nearly disappeared the other night (morning). About 3:15am and the wind was really bad I heard the distinct sounds of the wheels moving along the street. A couple of minutes later and the wheels were moving again. In the morning there was no signs of my bin but yet again someone lese has decided to move it in from the street and try and claim it for themselves.